not the day I expected

 

I don’t know why I thought this month was different.

It somehow felt different. I had an extra special feeling that I would get my positive pregnancy test yesterday, so when I got a negative, I optimistically thought it was just too early.

Not that there were any pregnancy symptoms, but there weren’t any dreaded red symptoms either.

I had reason to stay optimistic - my temperatures were still up yesterday morning.

Keeping the still high temps in mind, when I saw the dreaded red later that day, I was of course, shocked. There was no warning, no signs at all, just the disgust of seeing red.

 

 

Though there was a little disappointment, I still felt hope that it could be implantation bleeding. OR when discussing it with my husband what he suggested, with his complete lack of knowledge on the topic, might be “prenatal bleeding”. A term he coined from thin air.

When the man isn’t driving me crazy, he’s cracking me up♥

 

 

A few hours later I saw even more red in the stall at work and knew it was just too much for implantation. I actually had to break down and use a tampon - THE HORROR!!

I walked back from the bathroom completely numb.

Then the first random stranger I heard speak after my horrific trip to the bathroom was a 19 year old girl saying she had “went to the doctor and got tested today”…

I listened in a little closer thinking I was going to hear something juicy and disgusting to take my mind off of things like “gonorrhea” or “herpes”… something to make me glad that at least I wasn’t in her shoes. Something really bad to make me say, I might not be pregnant but I also don’t have _______.

Instead, her next words were “Yeah, I’m pregnant” in a pitiful, disappointed but still nonchalant kind of a way.

So much for wishing an STD on a poor, unsuspecting young girl. {I promise I’m not evil…}

 

I felt the wind knocked out of me. It was a kick to the gut when I was already down for the count. I could see myself, in all my dramatic glory, hitting my knees, face up to God, screaming “WHY HER, GOD?! WHY NOT ME?”

{Of course, I didn’t. But if there is ever a movie made about my absolutely fascinating life story one day, Jennifer Aniston will be acting out this exact scene in the way I imagined it, not as it actually happened =)}

Though, I didn’t hit my knees and scream out to God, I did immediately begin praying a prayer I had never felt the urge to pray before and which I felt come from somewhere hidden in the depths of my heart. What I prayed shocked me.

I prayed to God to give me one of these everyday “unwanted pregnancies”. To let one of these young girls go free today, to let one of these poor babies be loved and wanted and taken extra good care of, to simply decide that today, he would put a child into my womb instead of one of the 1000 girls that will bawl uncontrollably out of fear from a positive pregnancy test today. To let me jump for joy when that second line appeared and to let them pray a silent ‘Thank you, God’ when it didn’t for them.

I prayed to reverse the roles and make two very lucky girls happy today.

That is still my prayer.

 

***Disclaimer: I KNOW that not all “unplanned pregnancies” equate to “unwanted pregnancies”. A child is a blessing no matter the situation. I have many friends and family who fall into this category and who are gloriously happy and who’s children are too. I know that even the youngest, single mother can and will be a better mother than I will ever be. I also know that a few will not, will never come to terms with being a parent and will neglect that child from conception to adulthood. That is the situation I prayed about, not the previously mentioned. I honestly do not wish to offend anyone and your open understanding is appreciated!

 

 

So like I said, I was completely blindsided.

It was the fourth month of trying and I just knew it was THE month for so many logical absurd reasons.

• Absurd reason #1 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: I LOVE the number ♥4♥ For real, love it. It’s always hanging around any of my lucky days in some way. So of course, the fourth month would seal the deal, right?
• Absurd reason #2 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: I would be 9 weeks along by Christmas, which would be a few weeks earlier than I planned to tell family, but which I deemed okay, just for Christmas time, just because it would be the most magical and joyful time of the year to tell everyone. BAH-HUMBUG!
• Absurd reason #3 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: if a normal healthy couple has a 25% chance of conceiving each given month, than we had already used up the negative 75% chance in the first 3 months of trying, so this was the month to fall in the good 25% chance. I like my math, mother nature doesn’t.

Now YOU can see and TOTALLY AGREE with my absurd logical reasons why this should have been the month. ;)

At this point in the baby making game, I still have a great bounce back. As well as I can list all the negatives of why thisshouldhavebeenthemonth!!?!!?!, I also do well with listing the reasons why having another month under our belts until that positive test will do a world of good.

They mostly have to do with money – paying off loans, saving more, fixing up our love nest to the best it can be before adding baby birds to it, feeling more financially stable, as well as spoiling ourselves with gifts and trips that I’m sure we would shoot down in a heartbeat once a baby bird comes along.

There’s also the maturity factor. The strong couple factor. Forming a solid bond with the Lord factor. All those little things that will make us better parents the more time we have to work on them.

And I think we’re doing well with this “gift of extra time before child” we’ve been given.

While seeing this time “as a gift” is difficult, I know it’s true. I keep looking back and seeing what we have accomplished in each month we weren’t expecting, and it makes me happy that we are doing so well with God’s plan. It does all make sense. We are still young, we still have goals and aspirations that will fair better without a child for now, and I will rejoice for what I have been given – while still holding on to hope that the next month will be THE month.

Besides, finding out there’s a little Christmas miracle on the way in December will be an extra special scene in the movie of my life. Someone tell Jennifer Anniston to get ready…

=)