pregnant by Christmas

 

That was my goal.

Or actually, my ultimate lofty goal was to be far enough along in my pregnancy to tell the family at Christmas.

Still is my goal - sorta.

These days, I’m not so sure as I was before, not sure at all really, that I can achieve this goal. I’m actually realizing more than ever, that this was my first and BIGGEST mistake.

I mean - I put a deadline on the frickin’ miracle of life, people. I’m pretty sure that made God chuckle.

How could I be so naive, so arrogant, to assume that I could control such a divine task?!

I can apply everything I’ve learned about maxing out our chances of conceiving but I can not ensure the miracle of creating a life.

This little revelation that I always knew but never really grasped is somewhat scary, and with further thought, extremely comforting.

The teeny tiny scary part of the revelation – I can do everything “perfectly” to conceive and never see those two lovely pink lines I find myself pining over these days.

The comfort: GOD is in control. He chooses His miracles, His way and in His time. I can think we may have missed the window, not see a positive on the ovulation predictors, forget to take my vitamins, and STILL, if the good Lord says it’s time - IT’S TIME! He will bless us with a miracle whenever, in His all knowing wisdom, he deems perfect.

Thank goodness that I’m not in control. I’d surely screw this one up!

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

I am now in my third “two week wait”. The two weeks between ovulation and knowing. It may only be the third month, but I can already see that with each additional month, the two weeks of waiting are the most mind boggling of days.

I am no longer in the time before ovulation when I can apply my science, check for signs, do the deed and satisfy all the voices in my head telling me to ‘do whatever it takes!’ to increase our chances. {No, there are no actual voices in my head, but yes, I am crazy.} Instead, I am in the time of helplessness. Nothing I can do, no real signs I can go by, just waiting wishing hoping that everything went according to plan and that my oven is currently occupied.

The questions that swim in my head during this time are innumerable. They are positive and negative. They are impossibly hopeful and optimistic and they are realistic with a dash a pessimism. They trump all other more important thoughts of the day and they sneak themselves in when I’m doing my best to just “let it be and we’ll see”.

‘Exactly which day did ovulation happen on?’

‘How many days past ovulation am I?’

‘Are my temperatures staying high?’

‘If we get pregnant this month, what will the due date be?’

‘When would I be 12 weeks and able to tell our families?’

‘Do my breasts seem more tender?’

‘Is my sense of smell stronger than usual?’

‘Is that a cramp preparing for baby or a cramp telling me Aunt Flo’s comin’ to town?’ 

‘Is it too early to test?’

‘If I’m not pregnant, what day next month does it look like I’ll be ovulating again?’

‘What can I do better next time?’

‘How will I tell husby if it’s positive?’

‘How will we tell the family in 12 weeks – does it coincide with any family get-togethers?’

‘The sooner we know, the sooner we can start preparing…"’

Then, after crossing my eyes and staring at the same pee drenched stick for the 32nd time… ‘That may just be a second line… I’ll just keep testing everyday till it looks a little bit darker…”

 

And that, my friends, is how I am only on the third month of trying, but have already taken about a hundred pregnancy tests ;) Yay for internet cheapies!

My goal for this two week wait is to actually try not to test until I’m *what I think* is 14 days past ovulation. {That would be October 22nd for anyone keeping track!} Judging by previous cycles, that should be plenty enough time to let Aunt Flo rear her ugly head and make my temps drop, in which case I wouldn’t need to test, or to *hopefully* get that good old HCG flowing through the blood stream for that big fat positive.

Though, I must say, I have a strong feeling day 10 will come and I’ll find myself unable to resist the “fun” of peeing in a plastic cup.

Let’s go will power!!