you missed the party

 

The pity party.

The one I threw myself last Thursday as I once again drug the neatly organized storage tote of pads and tampons out of the linen closet and parked it next to my throne in the bathroom.

 

 

I should mention that the thought crossed my mind of hurling the same storage tote through the bedroom window for dramatic flare and declaring that I will no longer be using pads or tampons as a sign of my disapproval with Aunt Flo’s unwelcomed visit.

But that would just be a mess that I didn’t have the energy to clean up… the broken window AND going tampon-less on principle.

 

 

Yes, it’s only month three of trying and believe me, I know exactly what kind of lecture you could give me about how short a time period that is and then pump me full of hope and encouragement with a big pat on the back to get back out there and start humping trying to conceive again.

I gave myself that same speech. I dusted myself off and started building hope back up for the next month or just whenever God decides to bless us with a little miracle.

 

 

But that did not occur BEFORE I threw myself a big old pity party. I wallowed around the house and came close to tears. I threw tiny fits that day blaming them on PMS, which it certainly was – but which the pity party in my head made all the worse when I kept reminding myself that I wouldn’t feel so witchy if I was just pregnant and not a hormonal mess of PMS BECAUSE I’M NOT $*#!*#@ PREGNANT AND MY PERIOD IS HERE!!!!!

{Which my rational self knows is actually pretty ignorant of the pity party since pregnancy hormones seem to rage about 100x worse than the dreaded red’s hormonal wave… regrettably, rational self was not invited to the pity party.}

 

 

By the end of that first day, the fog had already lifted and I came to the conclusion that: DUDE… it pretty much SUCKS that a woman who is TRYING to get pregnant has to find out the disappointing news she is NOT pregnant at the same time her weepiest, most demon possessed hormones come sweeping in making even the smallest inconveniences of the day the worst tragedies that have ever hit her life.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Either way, it’s just poor timing. Mother Nature, shame on you for playing such an evil trick on the female psyche.

 

 

It’s all very dramatic and narcissistic of me, putting so much weight and importance on MEMEME and what I WANTWANTWANT, so I usually try to pull myself out of my pity parties as soon as my rational side comes rushing in to save me from myself.

I’m back to my normal, hopeful, determined attitude and ready to change up the baby making game plan.

Because obviously, patience is not a virtue I possess {thought for the day: could God be trying to teach me something here???} and it seems to me that there may be a very real chance that I’m just going to get more hostile with each monthly visit from Auntie. If this goes on for too long… SOMEONE COULD GET HURT HERE, PEOPLE.

{For instance, if they’re standing under that bedroom window the day the tampons finally come crashing through.}

 

 

New game plan coming in the next post. This one has already rambled on longer than I doubt any of you felt like seeing through.

In the unlikely circumstance you did though… IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD RECOMMEND I CHANGE/DO/ADD TO MY DAYS TO INCREASE OUR CHANCES THAT YOU HAVEN’T MENTIONED BEFORE???

I’m already getting to the point that I would seriously consider most anything from the newest fertility vitamin to drinking milk while standing on your head and balancing your spouse with your free hand.

I joke… but really – don’t toy with me, because I may just do it =)

I mentioned already that patience wasn’t a virtue of mine, right?

what do you pee on?

In my attempt to become the most useless person in existence, I have begun analyzing other people’s pee sticks. All made possible through three, very lovely, and all joking aside, very useful websites:

• Pee On A Stick
• Fertility Friend
• Two Week Wait

I can compare my BBT charts, pee stick results, and read other people’s symptoms leading up to their big fat positives. It gives me lots of {false?} hope, which I’ll take in any form it comes in these days.

Here’s my predicament as of late – I have a blue million internet cheapies from Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com and I’m now finding bad reviews on these tests as well as plenty of photos on these sites that show positives from other brands on the same day as a negative from my brand.

{The pregnancy test in blue. The same brand’s ovulation strips in green, which I definitely do approve of and that seem to work perfectly. So maybe I should trust the preggo tests…?}

Is it too much to ask for a test to give you a positive on the day of your missed period? {Let alone a few days before??}

From the hours of time I’ve wasted analyzed on line, it almost looks as if you’d have to go cross-eyed to see the actual positive until days after your missed period from the brand I’ve stocked up on.

BOO!

Now mind you – I realize I have to be pregnant first to get that positive and that if I am pregnant, I will find out sooner or later so what’s the difference between a few days of waiting?

The answer: A LOT! ;)

So I’m asking you – what did you pee on?

{So mature, right?}

As usual, I’ll take any advice you have in this department – your own, stories from friends’ experience, you own analytical views from online references… =)

 

And finally, I have a new survey/poll on the sidebar. As it looks like this cycle is coming to a close for me with all the fun cramps of the “dreaded red” BUT without the drop in temps just yet, it’s got me wondering… did anyone else feel like Aunt Flo was on her way and get the unexpected fun of a positive pregnancy test?

I’ve read several accounts online of people who did in fact feel this way, I’m just wondering how often it actually happens. Of course, multiple answers possible for those who have had multiple pregnancies with different symptoms.

Vote away!! Can’t wait to hear from you =)=)=)

pregnant by Christmas

 

That was my goal.

Or actually, my ultimate lofty goal was to be far enough along in my pregnancy to tell the family at Christmas.

Still is my goal - sorta.

These days, I’m not so sure as I was before, not sure at all really, that I can achieve this goal. I’m actually realizing more than ever, that this was my first and BIGGEST mistake.

I mean - I put a deadline on the frickin’ miracle of life, people. I’m pretty sure that made God chuckle.

How could I be so naive, so arrogant, to assume that I could control such a divine task?!

I can apply everything I’ve learned about maxing out our chances of conceiving but I can not ensure the miracle of creating a life.

This little revelation that I always knew but never really grasped is somewhat scary, and with further thought, extremely comforting.

The teeny tiny scary part of the revelation – I can do everything “perfectly” to conceive and never see those two lovely pink lines I find myself pining over these days.

The comfort: GOD is in control. He chooses His miracles, His way and in His time. I can think we may have missed the window, not see a positive on the ovulation predictors, forget to take my vitamins, and STILL, if the good Lord says it’s time - IT’S TIME! He will bless us with a miracle whenever, in His all knowing wisdom, he deems perfect.

Thank goodness that I’m not in control. I’d surely screw this one up!

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

I am now in my third “two week wait”. The two weeks between ovulation and knowing. It may only be the third month, but I can already see that with each additional month, the two weeks of waiting are the most mind boggling of days.

I am no longer in the time before ovulation when I can apply my science, check for signs, do the deed and satisfy all the voices in my head telling me to ‘do whatever it takes!’ to increase our chances. {No, there are no actual voices in my head, but yes, I am crazy.} Instead, I am in the time of helplessness. Nothing I can do, no real signs I can go by, just waiting wishing hoping that everything went according to plan and that my oven is currently occupied.

The questions that swim in my head during this time are innumerable. They are positive and negative. They are impossibly hopeful and optimistic and they are realistic with a dash a pessimism. They trump all other more important thoughts of the day and they sneak themselves in when I’m doing my best to just “let it be and we’ll see”.

‘Exactly which day did ovulation happen on?’

‘How many days past ovulation am I?’

‘Are my temperatures staying high?’

‘If we get pregnant this month, what will the due date be?’

‘When would I be 12 weeks and able to tell our families?’

‘Do my breasts seem more tender?’

‘Is my sense of smell stronger than usual?’

‘Is that a cramp preparing for baby or a cramp telling me Aunt Flo’s comin’ to town?’ 

‘Is it too early to test?’

‘If I’m not pregnant, what day next month does it look like I’ll be ovulating again?’

‘What can I do better next time?’

‘How will I tell husby if it’s positive?’

‘How will we tell the family in 12 weeks – does it coincide with any family get-togethers?’

‘The sooner we know, the sooner we can start preparing…"’

Then, after crossing my eyes and staring at the same pee drenched stick for the 32nd time… ‘That may just be a second line… I’ll just keep testing everyday till it looks a little bit darker…”

 

And that, my friends, is how I am only on the third month of trying, but have already taken about a hundred pregnancy tests ;) Yay for internet cheapies!

My goal for this two week wait is to actually try not to test until I’m *what I think* is 14 days past ovulation. {That would be October 22nd for anyone keeping track!} Judging by previous cycles, that should be plenty enough time to let Aunt Flo rear her ugly head and make my temps drop, in which case I wouldn’t need to test, or to *hopefully* get that good old HCG flowing through the blood stream for that big fat positive.

Though, I must say, I have a strong feeling day 10 will come and I’ll find myself unable to resist the “fun” of peeing in a plastic cup.

Let’s go will power!!