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Friday, December 31, 2010

2011 is THE year!

 

 

We are truly looking forward to this new year with more anticipation than ever before!

 

and here’s little sneak peek of one the presents I gave Hubs on the day we found out the good news… this is one ornament I don’t think I can “bear” to put away this year =)

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May your days be happy and bright!

Ours certainly are…

2011 is going to be THE year.

We can hardly wait!

Happy New Year to all you dear friends that have been so sweet to this anonymous girl on this journey. I appreciate you more than you will every know!♥

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

the two week wait

 

I have SO MUCH to tell you about!

With the holidays, celebrations, parties, news of A BABY ON THE WAY, and then the inevitable…. work, it doesn’t leave much time for the blog. I think of the things I want to document during this precious time in our lives and even though I desperately want to go back to bed for a mid-afternoon nap after getting 11 hours of sleep last night =), I must put some of these thoughts down before they leave my tiny little brain forever.

Some people said they wanted to hear about the whole “two week wait”, which is great cause hey, I LOVE to overshare. I live for it. I’m sincerely glad you indulge me by reading my need for TMI.

For those who have not been caught up in the journey that is trying to conceive a human being – the “two week wait” is the time between ovulation and knowing whether you succeeded with a postive HPT or… dumm dumm dumm the dreaded red.

We tried for 5 months and I was just beginning to think that every two week wait would end with the dreaded red. This past magical month was no different. I thought the month I conceived, I would know.

I didn’t.

My symptoms?

Next to not even noticeable.

I even proclaimed I was feeling quite PMS-y to the hubs and that today was not the day to annoy me for fun. I had taken a pregnancy test that morning, day 10 post ovulation, and it was negative. I have to say I expected it to be but I was hoping it wasn’t. I had a day off and I sulked all day while feeling quite extremely sleepy and just plain blue.

I must admit, being extremely sleepy all day after sleeping in and accomplishing next to nothing during the day, should probably count as a symptom. It was a little on the odd side.

Another near possible symptom: my breasts did hurt ever so slightly, but nothing out of the norm for the week of my period.

AND it’s worth mentioning that I had a strange feeling in what I thought was my bladder when I went to tinkle a couple times that week, which I’m now realizing was my uterus, not my bladder =)

Other than that – NO SYMPTOMS AT ALL. Nothing to run to the grocery store to get a HPT for, nothing to get worked up over as I had in previous months when I thought I was having tons of “pregnancy symptoms”. It was surprisingly nonchalant, and really SURPRISINGLY, I was pregnant!

Since that time, now at 5 weeks 4 days pregnant, nothing has really changed. The bosoms still hurt, but not the horrific pain I’ve heard others describe. They do not hurt all the way to my arm-pit like I had been told to look for and I really only feel pain when prodding them to make sure they still hurt =)

I had lots of cramping after the positive test, some a bit like period cramping, some not. But none as bad as an actual period. The specific cramp that is different from anything I’ve felt before – which I previously thought was my bladder(!) – still continues on. It’s not a pain at all, just a feeling that makes me smile to know something magical is going on down there.

{I’m trying desperately hard not to think any pain or cramp is a bad sign. I can easily “go there”, get scared, panicked, stressed – but what’s the use. I will be optimistic and happy until told otherwise… or at least try.}

I haven’t had any more “blue” days like the one I thought was PMS, nor have I been moody {or at least no more than usual!} I have continued to be verrrrry sleepy. Functioning, but sleepy. It doesn’t help that I’ve been kicking coffee to the curb :( But I’ll do anything to give this little one a better chance of sticking!

{Confession: I did have the tiniest cup of coffee yesterday. A long Monday at work after the holiday frenzie-fest? It was very much pardoned by my guilt for the one day.}

As for queasiness, I had a complete day of utter dizziness on Christmas Eve. I had to work that day {boo!}. Add in the head spinning chaos every time I turned or crouched down, and I could have easily won the scrooge award for Christmas. Thankfully, so far, it’s been a one day thing. I haven’t had any more dizziness or nausea since and I am praying my good luck continues, though I know it’s still very early.

And the best for last – my BIGGEST symptom of pregnancy – the positive preggo tests I just can’t help peeing on as often as possible…

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Of course, Husband does not understand this. He does not understand, after many positives and the big blood test confirmation, why I must continue to pee and dip.

My reasoning:

#1. They will expire eventually, so I can’t actually save them for the “next one”. Plus, these were cheap!

#2. It’s a great sign that things are going well when they get progressively darker – which means my HCG levels are increasing.

#3. Finally: after so many negatives, it feels like just plain MAGIC to be able to make a test show a second line. I deserve to finally get my money’s worth out of these babies and add a little happiness to my day =)

 

I took one more test this morning, 24 days past ovulation {not shown} and it was the first to show the second line immediately without waiting for it to appear. Crazy, but it was very exciting. Only one test left! I’ll miss those little positive sticks so much when they’re gone ;)

Monday, December 20, 2010

“barely pregnant”

 

“Barely pregnant”, but… I’m pregnant!!!

 

While I’m pretty sure you already knew that by the many congratulations on the last post that warmed my heart and soul, {THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!}, I really can’t believe it myself and I think I’ll just have to say it a few million more times before it will actually sink in.

 

It doesn’t help my non-belief of my current pregnant status when my first doctor appointment was such a total BUST.

To preface this story: I formerly had a WONDERFUL gynecologist who I loved immensely. Then this year, THE year I planned on procreating, I got a letter from her office letting me know she was moving 8 states away. The woman who I trusted and had developed a great doctor/patient relationship with and who I was excited to have deliver my children, MOVED.

Total bummer.

 

Her letter recommended another doctor in the same building and I decided to take her recommendation when I found myself pregnant last week without a clue who I would be seeing over the next 9 months. I called the office only to schedule the first appointment, which I assumed would be around 8-12 weeks.

I was sort of right. The first doctor appointment was scheduled for 8 weeks, {January 17th can’t come soon enough!}, but the receptionist said they had started doing immediate first visits with the nurse to confirm the pregnancy and to talk over a few educational points – what to eat/not eat, prescription for prenatal vitamins, etc.

I even asked a couple of times - “Really? Isn’t this kind of early? I just got a positive test yesterday…” and the receptionist assured me it wasn’t anything big, just that they like to get the blood work done and get everyone on the right track early on.

I wasn’t going to argue. I adored the prospect of a blood test confirmation and someone else saying those magic words to me: “You’re pregnant.”

 

Though it didn’t actually happen that way.

 

Instead, I waited over an hour to be called back, only to be weighed and asked to pee in a cup. When the nurse came into the room, she asked hesitantly if I had got a positive pregnancy test at home…

I told her yes and immediately began to silently panic. I had sort of half expected someone to tell me I was crazy and not actually pregnant. My fears were coming true.

 

Paranoia. It’s kind of my thang, ya see?

 

She told me their urine test was negative {MUCH MORE panic} but that a lot of home pregnancy tests were more sensitive then theirs.  She sent me down to the lab for a blood test and then ordered a return visit for Monday (today) for a follow up blood test to make sure the HCG was increasing as it should.

I left the office ready to vomit and pissed that I had even come in. I could have been home, excited to be pregnant and enjoying my day off. Instead, I wasted tons of time getting ready, driving in the crazy Christmas traffic, and waiting forever in a busy waiting room just to to have a 30 second appointment to hear the gut wrenching news that I might not actually be pregnant.

I had just taken my fourth “cheap” pregnancy test that morning just to see if the line was any darker over the past 3 days {it was} and the doctor’s office’s tests still weren’t strong enough to see even the faintest line?! I felt like I was getting punk’d and it was not funny.

Two nerve racking hours later, I got the call from the same nurse that the blood test had came back positive with a HCG of 101 – ‘just barely pregnant’ as she put it.

Barely pregnant? Seriously?! An HCG of 101 should be picked up on ANY urine test, especially at the OB’s office – right?

My feathers were ruffled but I WAS STILL PREGNANT and focused solely on that very important point. The nurse had actually been sweet to me the entire time, even if I wasn’t particularly fond of her pee stick reading abilities.

Life goes on and Hubs and I went out for our celebration dinner date and had a great night as future parents♥

 

This barely pregnant lady was HUNGRY and enjoyed every bit of this lobster tail and shellfish!

lobster

{I pledge to not continue overdoing it and end up 300 pounds at 9 months…}

 

I learned later that weekend that I probably shouldn’t indulge in quite so much shellfish… how was I to know? I didn’t get my “educational appointment” =)

HCG today? Well over 400!! Progressing very well, the same nurse said.

Bring on that January ultrasound!!

 

P.S. - To answer some of your questions – I won’t be revealing my identity for a few more weeks. {Sorry!} I CANNOT let our families find out the good news through the internet, so it’s a no-go until I break the news to them first… which I’m thinking I won’t feel confident enough to do until around 10 weeks along {Hubs agrees on the timeline!}

How nice it would have been to tell them we’re pregnant at Christmas… but I’m thinking it’s extremely nice just to be pregnant at Christmas! We haven’t told a soul yet. It’s been extremely sweet just to have this time together with such a precious secret between us. We are soaking it up!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

I peed on a stick… =)

 

…and I’ve never been happier!

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Though it really started with this stick:

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Can you squint enough to see that very faiiiiiint line?

Praise God!!

All the positive pee stick peeing happened this past Wednesday and it’s been a whirlwind ever since. From finally getting to rush out of work when I was off to head to the mall, find the right present to tell the Hubs with and then home to wrap it and wait not-so-patiently for all the excitement to begin.

To my surprise, I called the doctor’s office and they actually scheduled my first appointment for today! It’s only a visit with the nurse for blood work and education, but just hearing someone else confirm that I am actually pregnant will be such a relief. The first BIG doctor appointment is mid-January and I can hardly wait to see the little one on the ultrasound and to hear a heart beat♥

More to come on the full story leading up to how I found out, pictures of what I gave Hubs to tell him(!), my official two week wait symptoms AND what happens at my first appointment today!

 

Pregnant by Christmas?

CHECK!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

nursery dreams

 

With all the excitement of the holidays, it’s been a huge relief to have so much to keep me busy and to be excited about instead of focusing of what isn’t yet. It really is the most wonderful time of the year for us and we are beyond blessed. While I know God has a plan for us and will bless us with a child in His time, I can’t help but day dream about the future in my little downtime.

I can’t show you my dreams of family gatherings with our children there or having our little one with us cuddled up on a snow day like today, but I can show you the pictures I’ve tucked away for another time. A time when we will excitedly plan for a new life in our family, who will need a fabulous little room in which to live it in.

All pictures were found at Project Nursery as were the pictures on the last nursery post I did. They are all so different; some eclectic, some decorated with bold colors while others used lots of soft pastels, and as always, there are the nurseries that seem to be truly designed for a little prince or princess. When the day comes to build our own, I have no idea what directions we will go in and honestly, I don’t even care at this point like I use to. We all know where the real joy will be found… in the little ankle biter who will spend his or her days finding every possible way to stain every square inch of their carefully decorated space.

…and that will be alright♥

Enjoy!

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I think even the most cynical among us could find at least one of these rooms to melt over.

I personally do not know how I even typed this – seeing that I am now just a puddle after looking through the photos of these rooms again. =)

 

Is it just me, or can you smell that sweet baby scent too?!

Monday, December 6, 2010

lighter fluid or rocket fuel?

 

 

I’m really not an overachiever, but count me in when it comes to baby-making.

{Okay, I’ve never achieved a pregnancy yet, but this next part is pretty fun anyway.}

 

On the last post I told you I had officially hit the “high days” with the new Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and I was still waiting to see a “Peak Day”.

 

I was right on target with the picture on the box again – because day 15 came, and to my excitement – PEAK!!!

On that SAME DAY, I almost ended up not testing. You see, I prefer to pee in a cup and dip the stick. The monitor allows you the choice to test mid-stream if you like, which I tried a few times and it seemed to, ummmmmmm… splash.

Disgusting. Until day 15, when I sat the cup-o-pee on the bathroom floor to dip in and ended up spilling it on the tile and the rug. Now THAT is ridiculously MORE gross than splashing.

To top it all off, I hadn’t even dipped the stick yet. I quickly turned the cup right side up, in which there was only a tiny amount of pee left. Apparently, it was still just enough because I got my peak! Thank goodness I didn’t have to skip that day…

 

For anyone wondering, I got 4 high fertility days starting on day 11, days 15 and 16 were peak fertility days, back down to “high” on day 17 and now back to low fertility.

Let the two week wait commence!!

A nice bonus: everyone says the monitor usually makes you use 20 sticks the first cycle and only 10 on each cycle thereafter. The test sticks run around $50 for 30 – not so cheap, eh? I only had to use 10 on this first cycle, days 6-15. I suppose I ovulated early enough for it not to require anymore, because it hasn’t been asking for one. Thanks for saving me a couple buck safter spending a small fortune on you, Clearblue Easy!!

I like to picture the blinking sign I see each morning when I turn it on and it’s asking for a pee-drenched test stick as it saying “Feed me! FEED ME!!”. You gotta have some fun, right?

 

I was excited to get 6 days of warning of high/peak fertility. We took advantage of every other day. {TMI – I know… and there’s more coming.} In my case, I don’t see that it told me anything new except confirmed what I believed to be fertile days, which is still a very nice peace of mind and a nice break from temperature charting.

You see, I seem to produce copious amounts of… I hate the technical term for this so I made up my own… lighter fluid.

We’re talking about cervical fluid/mucous. I switch between calling it rocket fuel and lighter fluid. Either way, it’s the right type of fluid to rocket those spermies to their desired destination at lightening speed… catch my drift?

I start producing rocket fuel at least a week ahead of time and it slowly increases to BAM!… BABY TIME! At that point, I really know and there’s no denying the threshold is ready. I am thankful for this ability at least, since I’ve read so many gals are low on the rocket fuel.

I noticed it for the first time this cycle the day before I got my first “high fertility” reading on the monitor, so my intuition is right on track which leads me to this: If I’ve been on track with my fertile days and doing the baby dance on time these past months… WHY THE HECK AREN’T I PREGNANT YET AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME/HUBS?!

It seems to me I read somewhere about lighter fluid that was too thick and people used Mucinex {guaifenesin} to thin it – just like the mucous secretions it thins in your lungs to let you cough all that nasty stuff up.

 

My question is – how would you know if it was too thick and needed a little Mucinex to help things along? I haven’t googled this question yet, just started thinking about it and only had just enough energy left tonight to type this post up before bed.

On the bright side – my breasts are sore and my uterus is crampy. It’s far too early for this to be a sign of anything, but it does leave me hopeful =)

And we all know that hope can fuel a person for years…

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

here we are

 

 

Yup, that’s us. Or more accurately, that’s me.

 

How odd that I Googled an image for “Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor High Fertility” just to include a little illustration on this blog that lacks so much – lo and behold! – I find an image with my exact cycle day displayed.

My “high fertility” status started yesterday on CD 11 and continued today. Needless to say {but I’ll say it anyway} we’ve been doin’ the dirty =) This little machine is most definitely releasing me from the annoying game of guess your fertility. Though I have dumped the temperature charting and microscope licking, I did utilize both today, just for the fun of it without the annoying afterthoughts that come with my overanalyzing female tendencies.

and whaddya know? My temp is very low {definitely haven’t missed the big “O” yet} and the fertility scope was full of ferns(!)

 

I cannot help smiling every time I’ve looked in that little microscope and seen a slide full of ferns. Seriously, it gets me every time. There’s something about the way estrogen ferns in your spit, it’s gloriously heartwarming and reassuring. I do, I really really do, I ♥ my spit.

 

If I still had any doubts about being fertile on day 11 like the little man made gadget swears to me – the fertility scope has now backed it up. Who can deny both pee and spit reassurance? What more do I need – perhaps a stool sample test?

Technology: please don’t go there

 

But back to me and my day 11 high fertility… Who woulda thunk it?  I thought I was a late ovulater until last month and even then I declared it a fluke. Previously, I would have thought doin’ the dirty on day 11 would have only been for kicks and giggles - not part of some baby makin’ strategy.

But now I know better. Hubs still doesn’t.

He doesn’t know about “day 11” or that our fun wasn’t purely spontaneous. I’m trying my hardest to keep it that way…to not announce the most recent findings of my pee soaked adventures and suck all the fun out of our romantic romps. He needs not know what the little monitor says and that my flirty ways are all part of a plan.

After all, he got the package from FedEx, he put the batteries in it for me, he knows all about it and hasn’t asked the first question since – that’s a man for you. I’ll let him stay that way, all man, while I remain all woman –  a ticking biological time bomb of a woman ready to test even my stool sample if need be ;)

 

 

I’m crossing my fingers we’ll see the pretty “peak” days with the funny looking egg soon.

 

And yes, that is supposed to be an egg, though it looks more like a delicious deviled egg than the kind I’m supposed to be growing. I like my eggs in more of an upright position, ready to get to work hatching a youngin’, not laying down on the job. Perhaps even gold plated would be nice.

 

Or perhaps I’ll take an egg, especially a fertilized egg, anyway I can get it…

 

 

Now that I’ve shared {far too much as usual}, I have questions for you!

 

Tilted Uteruses UNITE!

Question #1:  I’ve previously been told, years ago, that I have a retorverted uterus (a.k.a. “tilted/tipped uterus”) and that it may make conceiving more difficult. {Actually, one doctor said I was tipped – the other said I wasn’t – leaving me not really sure about this one…} I’ve read conflicting articles that it shouldn’t have any bearing on fertility while others say it does. My questions: Any other tilted uteruses out there? Care to share whether it hindered the reproduction process?

 

Empty Uterus Seeks that “Special Someone”

Questions #2: I’ve been forced to look for a new OBGYN :( My previous doctor, whom I would have paid twice the price to see, moved 8 states away. As I am not able to pay the plane ticket to stalk her down and spread my legs {or the bail money I would need after such an act}, I am now on the search for a new girly doc. *Hoping* to be with child soon and past due for my yearly smear, I’m putting much more thought into this than ever before. The practice she use to be associated has several doctors and several midwives {what level/degree/certification the midwives have, I’m still looking into}. Now, I know a room full of woman with vaginas are gonna have opinions on this one – so let me have it – what are your thoughts on the midwife/OB search? Not only for a yearly, but especially when it comes to prenatal visits and delivery.

 

I hope you have the time, I’d love to hear from you!

and if you’d like to email instead, PLEASE DO!

baby-momma {at} live {dot} com

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

my early Christmas present

 

 

I received an email offering “unsolicited advice” a few days ago that started a fun chain reaction filled with girl gab, online shopping, a big purchase and starting tomorrow morning, I will continue the chain reaction with peeing on a stick.

It’s exciting, really.

I never planned on taking this big a leap into baby makin’ this early in the game, but thanks to Tiffany at & Baby Blackwell Makes Three, I have officially gone technological on the baby business.

Out with the ‘good old fashioned’ way, in with the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor:

 

 

Tiffany actually titled her email to me “Unsolicited Advice” – as if I wouldn’t be open to someone’s help in this matter I know nothing about! ha! Someone else maybe, but I am floored by anyone willing to take the time to offer kind advice to this stranger in a comment on this blog, let alone in email form.

I got her email last Thursday night and by Friday evening, this do-dad was on it’s way to my house via amazon.com. Tiffany has been amazing to answer my endless questions regarding pee sticks and periods. We have definitely struck up a friendship over this monitor and other bodily functions ;)

If nothing else comes of this big purchase, I will at least have a new friend!

ha =)

 

 

Anywho, back to my splurge…

Have you seen this thing? I had my doubts after reading the spill the website has but after reading the hundreds of reviews on Amazon and other sites – holy moly! Here’s my credit card, get that thing in my bathroom now so I can start peeing on it, ASAP!

{You should know you don’t actually pee on it, but on the nice expensive pee sticks that go into the monitor. Details, details. You get my drift how excited I was.}

 

But you ask: Lady, it’s only been 4 months, don’t you think it’s still a little early to be ditching the old fashioned way?

 

I dunno really, but I do know this – it really wasn’t the ‘good old fashioned way’ to begin with.

{No, we weren’t doing some wild Karma Sutra positions. Get your mind outta the gutter ;)}

It was the educationally informed good old fashioned way.

It was reading TCOYF {wonderful book!} and charting basal body temperatures, checking cervical mucous and googling conception tips and tricks. It was peeing on ovulation test strips, getting a big bold positive and still coming up empty handed.

This wasn’t the way our grandparents did it, people. I was already leaving good old fashioned behind in the dust.

And if you’ve read TCOYF, you may remember that she advises you to seek the advice of a doctor if you’ve been adequately charting and trying for 3-4 cycles with no pregnancy.

That’s us. That’s scary.

Some people say that the Clearblue Easy people say to give the monitor 3 cycles of use and TTC before seeking a medical professional’s help. All I could find in my manual was the advice of waiting 6 cycles. I’m giving it another 3-4 and then I’m checking in with the doc.

 

 

To finish my long drawn out story, the day I ordered it, I was at work for 12 hours. For 12 hours I researched and read in every spare moment I had, doing my best to toggle screens so no co-worker would see what I was looking at and be suspicious of my womb woes. It was a Friday and the first day of my cycle, I had to decide quick if I wanted it for this month – even with next day shipping it would only arrive by Monday and you have to start using it no later than the 5th day of your cycle or the whole month is out the window and it’s try again next time…

Talk about pressure at decision time.

I had reached a conclusion and was just about ready to complete my order when I felt the urge for my husband’s approval.

We’re not the couple that asks each other, “Honey, may I buy this?” because we trust each other as responsible, frugal adults with low tolerances for wasteful living.

{Don’t we sound fun?!}

But when I felt the need for back-up, for the most important person in my life to tell me it wasn’t a crazy, desperate, impulse buy – or at least to know that he wouldn’t judge me for my crazy, desperate, impulse buy – I texted. After all, I’d been at work all day, I hadn’t even mentioned to him I was thinking about it, and Lord knows the man had never heard of such a gadget even existing in his lifetime.

 

 

 

Our texts that evening:

{Mind you, I’m texting him out of the blue about this and we hadn’t spoken for most of the day.}

Me: Can I buy a high tech fertility monitor everyone recommends???

{Internal dialogue: “Everyone” as in a really nice girl I’ve never met before except in blogworld recommended it to me along with a few hundred other people that did a product review.}

Him: If it’s gonna help us create an heir to the thrown, you bet.

{Internal dialogue: He’s a nut.}

Me: Really?? It’s $137…

{Internal dialogue: $137 before tax and next day air shipping…}

Him: Does it help?

Me: It has glowing reviews of tons of ppl saying it worked the first month and I got an email from a blogger who reads my preggo blog telling me she was trying longer than we have been thinking they were doing everything right and never got pregnant till the first month they bought this. And we can reuse it for the next 6 kids =)

{Side note: That last part is pure joking. Not that you can’t reuse it, just that we’re not having 6 kids.}

Him: If it helps then I think you should get it.

 

Point blank: I LOVE THIS MAN♥

 

 

 

 

As for the price – I’m telling you READ THE REVIEWS. They are amazing. People trying for months and months, even years and being much older in age and saying the monitor helped them in the first month! Many said they used it as a last ditch effort before settling for the even larger bills from the specialist’s office or when going, that their doctor even recommended it themselves.

I buy products based on reviews – I have a hard time pulling the trigger without a positive review. These reviews sold me.

{I’m not expecting a miracle in the first month of use like many of these people, though I’d love to be pleasantly surprised. It’s also important to note, this machine will not get you pregnant itself, though many have probably had to restrain from showing it much appreciated affection when they finally got their BFP…}

As for Tiffany, she only had to use it one month. Go figure, I’m excited!

 

Does anyone else out there have any experience, good or bad, with this monitor or any of the others on the market? I’d love to here your reviews, as I’m sure others who read this blog would too! Thanks!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

not the day I expected

 

I don’t know why I thought this month was different.

It somehow felt different. I had an extra special feeling that I would get my positive pregnancy test yesterday, so when I got a negative, I optimistically thought it was just too early.

Not that there were any pregnancy symptoms, but there weren’t any dreaded red symptoms either.

I had reason to stay optimistic - my temperatures were still up yesterday morning.

Keeping the still high temps in mind, when I saw the dreaded red later that day, I was of course, shocked. There was no warning, no signs at all, just the disgust of seeing red.

 

 

Though there was a little disappointment, I still felt hope that it could be implantation bleeding. OR when discussing it with my husband what he suggested, with his complete lack of knowledge on the topic, might be “prenatal bleeding”. A term he coined from thin air.

When the man isn’t driving me crazy, he’s cracking me up♥

 

 

A few hours later I saw even more red in the stall at work and knew it was just too much for implantation. I actually had to break down and use a tampon - THE HORROR!!

I walked back from the bathroom completely numb.

Then the first random stranger I heard speak after my horrific trip to the bathroom was a 19 year old girl saying she had “went to the doctor and got tested today”…

I listened in a little closer thinking I was going to hear something juicy and disgusting to take my mind off of things like “gonorrhea” or “herpes”… something to make me glad that at least I wasn’t in her shoes. Something really bad to make me say, I might not be pregnant but I also don’t have _______.

Instead, her next words were “Yeah, I’m pregnant” in a pitiful, disappointed but still nonchalant kind of a way.

So much for wishing an STD on a poor, unsuspecting young girl. {I promise I’m not evil…}

 

I felt the wind knocked out of me. It was a kick to the gut when I was already down for the count. I could see myself, in all my dramatic glory, hitting my knees, face up to God, screaming “WHY HER, GOD?! WHY NOT ME?”

{Of course, I didn’t. But if there is ever a movie made about my absolutely fascinating life story one day, Jennifer Aniston will be acting out this exact scene in the way I imagined it, not as it actually happened =)}

Though, I didn’t hit my knees and scream out to God, I did immediately begin praying a prayer I had never felt the urge to pray before and which I felt come from somewhere hidden in the depths of my heart. What I prayed shocked me.

I prayed to God to give me one of these everyday “unwanted pregnancies”. To let one of these young girls go free today, to let one of these poor babies be loved and wanted and taken extra good care of, to simply decide that today, he would put a child into my womb instead of one of the 1000 girls that will bawl uncontrollably out of fear from a positive pregnancy test today. To let me jump for joy when that second line appeared and to let them pray a silent ‘Thank you, God’ when it didn’t for them.

I prayed to reverse the roles and make two very lucky girls happy today.

That is still my prayer.

 

***Disclaimer: I KNOW that not all “unplanned pregnancies” equate to “unwanted pregnancies”. A child is a blessing no matter the situation. I have many friends and family who fall into this category and who are gloriously happy and who’s children are too. I know that even the youngest, single mother can and will be a better mother than I will ever be. I also know that a few will not, will never come to terms with being a parent and will neglect that child from conception to adulthood. That is the situation I prayed about, not the previously mentioned. I honestly do not wish to offend anyone and your open understanding is appreciated!

 

 

So like I said, I was completely blindsided.

It was the fourth month of trying and I just knew it was THE month for so many logical absurd reasons.

  • Absurd reason #1 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: I LOVE the number ♥4♥ For real, love it. It’s always hanging around any of my lucky days in some way. So of course, the fourth month would seal the deal, right?
  • Absurd reason #2 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: I would be 9 weeks along by Christmas, which would be a few weeks earlier than I planned to tell family, but which I deemed okay, just for Christmas time, just because it would be the most magical and joyful time of the year to tell everyone. BAH-HUMBUG!
  • Absurd reason #3 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: if a normal healthy couple has a 25% chance of conceiving each given month, than we had already used up the negative 75% chance in the first 3 months of trying, so this was the month to fall in the good 25% chance. I like my math, mother nature doesn’t.

Now YOU can see and TOTALLY AGREE with my absurd logical reasons why this should have been the month. ;)

At this point in the baby making game, I still have a great bounce back. As well as I can list all the negatives of why thisshouldhavebeenthemonth!!?!!?!, I also do well with listing the reasons why having another month under our belts until that positive test will do a world of good.

They mostly have to do with money – paying off loans, saving more, fixing up our love nest to the best it can be before adding baby birds to it, feeling more financially stable, as well as spoiling ourselves with gifts and trips that I’m sure we would shoot down in a heartbeat once a baby bird comes along.

There’s also the maturity factor. The strong couple factor. Forming a solid bond with the Lord factor. All those little things that will make us better parents the more time we have to work on them.

And I think we’re doing well with this “gift of extra time before child” we’ve been given.

While seeing this time “as a gift” is difficult, I know it’s true. I keep looking back and seeing what we have accomplished in each month we weren’t expecting, and it makes me happy that we are doing so well with God’s plan. It does all make sense. We are still young, we still have goals and aspirations that will fair better without a child for now, and I will rejoice for what I have been given – while still holding on to hope that the next month will be THE month.

Besides, finding out there’s a little Christmas miracle on the way in December will be an extra special scene in the movie of my life. Someone tell Jennifer Anniston to get ready…

=)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

new baby makin’ game plan

I love all the advice and I don’t think there’s a piece of it I wouldn’t consider doing!

Let me just tell you that the title of this post makes me want to roll my eyes and laugh at myself. I just keep thinking of the old adage, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

Which makes me not really want to do anything, just kick back, relax and let it happen when it happens.

Then I think of another adage, “God helps those who helps themselves” and it gets me back scheming myself into being ‘in the family way’.

{Besides, I sure as heck ain’t the Virgin Mary, which means He at least expects the Hubs and I to do our part of the equation, even if that means the game plan boils down to only ‘doing the deed’…}

So if I were making a new plan, the newest addition was going to be the pregnancy diet {yes, you can laugh now} - limiting my sugar and simple carbohydrate intake, increasing complex carbohydrates, fiber, fruits and veggies, as well as incorporating one serving of full fat dairy a day. {Hello Haagen-Dazs!} All little dietary changes that are begininng to have some scientific background to them – I think this article summarizes the Harvard research quite well if you’re interested or think I’ve gone off the deep end.

I don’t really have weight to lose, but my diet could use a major overhaul. {Hello, my name is ____ and I’m a junk food-aholic.)

I had good intentions to majorly cut the junk food out of my diet and did for a few days. But then… Halloween came and went. Plenty of goodies around the house, which got even worse at work when people brought their leftover trick-or-treat candy. {This girlfriend didn’t bring one piece of candy to work – HELLLLOOOOO??!! What is wrong with these people? Why wouldn’t you be addicted to sugar?!}

Thanksgiving is practically tomorrow and Christmas will come as quickly as next weekend – no one I know would believe that I could cut back on the sugar on any day of the year, not to mention this sugar coated time of year. It’s my equivalent to an alcoholic bartender – it just doesn’t work.

The third old adage of the night: the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So it may not be the best time of year to cut the sugar out of this junk-foodaholic’s diet. I have cut back on caffeine, limiting my one large cup of coffee only on the mornings when it feels the most possible that I may not make it through the long work day without it. I’ve also, begrudgingly, fit in a few full fat dairy products =)

I’d love to try acupuncture sometime, as well as start doing yoga, but have yet to feel too much need to cross those bridges. My stress levels have plummeted lately from what they were this summer, though I expect life will always hold its stresses. {It’s important for me to mention that I haven’t felt hardly any stress related to conceiving – it’s primarily work and the normal life stresses – which I am, HAPPILY, learning to cope much better with!}

So the “plan” this month, which is quickly coming close to an end, turned into just letting go and enjoying… and I truly have!

We’ve kept busy with lots of excitement, which seems to be growing as we get into the holidays. My vitamins have been cut down to only the prenatal and DHA. This was not on purpose – just due to laziness and the new relaxed me who was hating the OCD ritual of dividing up the vitamins in weekly pill boxes.

I admit, that was pretty obnoxious…

Did I mention that this month, I actually ovulated on the magical 14th day?!

Could it be my lucky month?

STAY TUNED!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

you missed the party

 

The pity party.

The one I threw myself last Thursday as I once again drug the neatly organized storage tote of pads and tampons out of the linen closet and parked it next to my throne in the bathroom.

 

 

I should mention that the thought crossed my mind of hurling the same storage tote through the bedroom window for dramatic flare and declaring that I will no longer be using pads or tampons as a sign of my disapproval with Aunt Flo’s unwelcomed visit.

But that would just be a mess that I didn’t have the energy to clean up… the broken window AND going tampon-less on principle.

 

 

Yes, it’s only month three of trying and believe me, I know exactly what kind of lecture you could give me about how short a time period that is and then pump me full of hope and encouragement with a big pat on the back to get back out there and start humping trying to conceive again.

I gave myself that same speech. I dusted myself off and started building hope back up for the next month or just whenever God decides to bless us with a little miracle.

 

 

But that did not occur BEFORE I threw myself a big old pity party. I wallowed around the house and came close to tears. I threw tiny fits that day blaming them on PMS, which it certainly was – but which the pity party in my head made all the worse when I kept reminding myself that I wouldn’t feel so witchy if I was just pregnant and not a hormonal mess of PMS BECAUSE I’M NOT $*#!*#@ PREGNANT AND MY PERIOD IS HERE!!!!!

{Which my rational self knows is actually pretty ignorant of the pity party since pregnancy hormones seem to rage about 100x worse than the dreaded red’s hormonal wave… regrettably, rational self was not invited to the pity party.}

 

 

By the end of that first day, the fog had already lifted and I came to the conclusion that: DUDE… it pretty much SUCKS that a woman who is TRYING to get pregnant has to find out the disappointing news she is NOT pregnant at the same time her weepiest, most demon possessed hormones come sweeping in making even the smallest inconveniences of the day the worst tragedies that have ever hit her life.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Either way, it’s just poor timing. Mother Nature, shame on you for playing such an evil trick on the female psyche.

 

 

It’s all very dramatic and narcissistic of me, putting so much weight and importance on MEMEME and what I WANTWANTWANT, so I usually try to pull myself out of my pity parties as soon as my rational side comes rushing in to save me from myself.

I’m back to my normal, hopeful, determined attitude and ready to change up the baby making game plan.

Because obviously, patience is not a virtue I possess {thought for the day: could God be trying to teach me something here???} and it seems to me that there may be a very real chance that I’m just going to get more hostile with each monthly visit from Auntie. If this goes on for too long… SOMEONE COULD GET HURT HERE, PEOPLE.

{For instance, if they’re standing under that bedroom window the day the tampons finally come crashing through.}

 

 

New game plan coming in the next post. This one has already rambled on longer than I doubt any of you felt like seeing through.

In the unlikely circumstance you did though… IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD RECOMMEND I CHANGE/DO/ADD TO MY DAYS TO INCREASE OUR CHANCES THAT YOU HAVEN’T MENTIONED BEFORE???

I’m already getting to the point that I would seriously consider most anything from the newest fertility vitamin to drinking milk while standing on your head and balancing your spouse with your free hand.

I joke… but really – don’t toy with me, because I may just do it =)

I mentioned already that patience wasn’t a virtue of mine, right?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

what do you pee on?

In my attempt to become the most useless person in existence, I have begun analyzing other people’s pee sticks. All made possible through three, very lovely, and all joking aside, very useful websites:

I can compare my BBT charts, pee stick results, and read other people’s symptoms leading up to their big fat positives. It gives me lots of {false?} hope, which I’ll take in any form it comes in these days.

Here’s my predicament as of late – I have a blue million internet cheapies from Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com and I’m now finding bad reviews on these tests as well as plenty of photos on these sites that show positives from other brands on the same day as a negative from my brand.

{The pregnancy test in blue. The same brand’s ovulation strips in green, which I definitely do approve of and that seem to work perfectly. So maybe I should trust the preggo tests…?}

Is it too much to ask for a test to give you a positive on the day of your missed period? {Let alone a few days before??}

From the hours of time I’ve wasted analyzed on line, it almost looks as if you’d have to go cross-eyed to see the actual positive until days after your missed period from the brand I’ve stocked up on.

BOO!

Now mind you – I realize I have to be pregnant first to get that positive and that if I am pregnant, I will find out sooner or later so what’s the difference between a few days of waiting?

The answer: A LOT! ;)

So I’m asking you – what did you pee on?

{So mature, right?}

As usual, I’ll take any advice you have in this department – your own, stories from friends’ experience, you own analytical views from online references… =)

 

And finally, I have a new survey/poll on the sidebar. As it looks like this cycle is coming to a close for me with all the fun cramps of the “dreaded red” BUT without the drop in temps just yet, it’s got me wondering… did anyone else feel like Aunt Flo was on her way and get the unexpected fun of a positive pregnancy test?

I’ve read several accounts online of people who did in fact feel this way, I’m just wondering how often it actually happens. Of course, multiple answers possible for those who have had multiple pregnancies with different symptoms.

Vote away!! Can’t wait to hear from you =)=)=)

Monday, October 11, 2010

pregnant by Christmas

 

That was my goal.

Or actually, my ultimate lofty goal was to be far enough along in my pregnancy to tell the family at Christmas.

Still is my goal - sorta.

These days, I’m not so sure as I was before, not sure at all really, that I can achieve this goal. I’m actually realizing more than ever, that this was my first and BIGGEST mistake.

I mean - I put a deadline on the frickin’ miracle of life, people. I’m pretty sure that made God chuckle.

How could I be so naive, so arrogant, to assume that I could control such a divine task?!

I can apply everything I’ve learned about maxing out our chances of conceiving but I can not ensure the miracle of creating a life.

This little revelation that I always knew but never really grasped is somewhat scary, and with further thought, extremely comforting.

The teeny tiny scary part of the revelation – I can do everything “perfectly” to conceive and never see those two lovely pink lines I find myself pining over these days.

The comfort: GOD is in control. He chooses His miracles, His way and in His time. I can think we may have missed the window, not see a positive on the ovulation predictors, forget to take my vitamins, and STILL, if the good Lord says it’s time - IT’S TIME! He will bless us with a miracle whenever, in His all knowing wisdom, he deems perfect.

Thank goodness that I’m not in control. I’d surely screw this one up!

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

I am now in my third “two week wait”. The two weeks between ovulation and knowing. It may only be the third month, but I can already see that with each additional month, the two weeks of waiting are the most mind boggling of days.

I am no longer in the time before ovulation when I can apply my science, check for signs, do the deed and satisfy all the voices in my head telling me to ‘do whatever it takes!’ to increase our chances. {No, there are no actual voices in my head, but yes, I am crazy.} Instead, I am in the time of helplessness. Nothing I can do, no real signs I can go by, just waiting wishing hoping that everything went according to plan and that my oven is currently occupied.

The questions that swim in my head during this time are innumerable. They are positive and negative. They are impossibly hopeful and optimistic and they are realistic with a dash a pessimism. They trump all other more important thoughts of the day and they sneak themselves in when I’m doing my best to just “let it be and we’ll see”.

Exactly which day did ovulation happen on?’

‘How many days past ovulation am I?’

‘Are my temperatures staying high?’

‘If we get pregnant this month, what will the due date be?’

‘When would I be 12 weeks and able to tell our families?’

‘Do my breasts seem more tender?’

‘Is my sense of smell stronger than usual?’

‘Is that a cramp preparing for baby or a cramp telling me Aunt Flo’s comin’ to town?’ 

‘Is it too early to test?’

If I’m not pregnant, what day next month does it look like I’ll be ovulating again?’

What can I do better next time?’

How will I tell husby if it’s positive?’

How will we tell the family in 12 weeks – does it coincide with any family get-togethers?’

‘The sooner we know, the sooner we can start preparing…"’

Then, after crossing my eyes and staring at the same pee drenched stick for the 32nd time… ‘That may just be a second line… I’ll just keep testing everyday till it looks a little bit darker…”

 

And that, my friends, is how I am only on the third month of trying, but have already taken about a hundred pregnancy tests ;) Yay for internet cheapies!

My goal for this two week wait is to actually try not to test until I’m *what I think* is 14 days past ovulation. {That would be October 22nd for anyone keeping track!} Judging by previous cycles, that should be plenty enough time to let Aunt Flo rear her ugly head and make my temps drop, in which case I wouldn’t need to test, or to *hopefully* get that good old HCG flowing through the blood stream for that big fat positive.

Though, I must say, I have a strong feeling day 10 will come and I’ll find myself unable to resist the “fun” of peeing in a plastic cup.

Let’s go will power!!

Monday, September 27, 2010

magic baby pills

 

Sara – you absolutely cracked me up with your comment and put the fire under my butt I needed to write a new post!

She wrote this comment on the blog today:

“WHERE ARE YOU?!! I need an update, please!! I'm living vicariously through you and I need to know how things are going! :) Hope you're well! Can't wait for an update!”

Here’s the update you wanted but probably not the one you or I were hoping for!

 

As for the magic baby pills: I haven’t found them yet – but I’m still looking ;)

Every time I turn around, I’m finding more and more information on vitamins and herbs. One pumps up your immune system, another builds strong bones, this one is good for your cholesterol health… I’m sure you know the drill.

Over the past year, I’ve been falling farther and farther down the vitamin/herb rabbit hole.

My husband says I’m killing myself – not that he’s done any research himself.

I started taking a multi vitamin and a separate calcium supplement in my teens.

Steadily, I’ve added more onto the regimen, including switching from a regular multi-vitamin to a pre-natal vitamin. I now take 7 different supplements in the morning and 6 at night.

YIKES!

*Disclaimer: I have some great medical connections in my life that have all reassured me that I’m not overdoing it. And if my husband were actually worried about what I was taking, I assure you that he wouldn’t let me continue on without a fight ;)

So here they are in all their glory:

vit1 

vit3 

5-HTP, Vitamin C, Calcium, B-12, Fish Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, B-6, Acidophilus, and Immune Boost

{not pictured – my prescription prenatals and DHA – I couldn’t let y’all see my real name yet now could I?!}

 

My reasonings:

Prenatal plus DHA: if you don’t know the importance of this multi-vitamin with high folic acid and the role of DHA in your and your future fetus’ health, do your research - pleeeeease!

Fish oil: cholesterol preventative.

Calcium plus D: bone and circulatory health.

B-12: several important reasons along with the feeling that I don’t eat enough meat, which is a main source of B-12. {I’m a junk foodie!}

Acidophilus: great for digestive regulation as well as warding off yeast infections, especially if you begin an antibiotic course for any reason.

B-6: great for a healthy immune system. There’s also evidence that support B-6 as an aid to fertility, lengthening the luteal phase (the total number of days between ovulation and the first day of the menstrual cycle) and increased levels may even help prevent or lessen morning sickness! In the meantime, while I’m still without child, B-6 is also suppose to decrease premenstrual symptoms. {Your welcome, Hubs!}

Evening Primrose Oil: a new one I’m taking since the TTC journey began. It can improve blood circulation, improving uterine health benefiting fertility, and even increase fertile quality cervical fluid. Also, improving premenstrual symptoms as well!! {This herb can cause uterine contractions, so I discontinue it after ovulation in case of pregnancy and start back up after menstruation.}

The “5-HTP” and “Immune Boost” are supplements I received for free and which I’m alternating taking. After the bottles are empty – I won’t be going out of my way to buy more. But I’d gladly take more for free. Ha!

The newest in TTC: Vitex!

{a.k.a. chaste tree berry, Agnus castus, monk’s pepper}

There are lots of studies involving this one for fertility and decreasing PMS, even ridding acne!

{This is another that is recommended to discontinue once you find out your pregnant.}

vitex

**2nd Disclaimer – I’m not recommending that any of you follow my lead besides taking a great multi-vitamin. I’ve done my research and decided what was best for me. Please do the same for yourself when making a decision to take any type of medications including vitamins and herbs.

 

Another reason I’ll be overjoyed to get a positive HPT – I’ll probably be cutting back to just the prenatal and DHA. Which will be SooOOoOoOoO much easier!!

I’d love to hear about any supplements or dietary steps any of you have taken while TTC, please.

 

In other news…

We are now onto cycle #3 :(

{Ignore my crumpled BBT chart – it’s had a few rough days.}

TTC2

 

The temps taken in pen that aren’t as dark as the permanent marker are mornings I slept in and were adjusted according to the time/temp rule.

It looks as if I ovulated around day 20 and had about a 12 day luteal phase – all very good news!

Like I mentioned on the last post, I got a positive from both the urine ovulation test sticks and the saliva scope, so I’m staying positive that all is well.

It does suck to feel like you did everything *perfectly* and still no dice.

I know that when it’s our time, however it may occur - adoption or biologic, we will become parents. I find it overwhelmingly comforting that it is all in God’s hands and that his plans and thoughts and ways are infinitely better than ours and beyond our grasp of what we *think* should be.

Still making the very, very best of our time *not* expecting yet – the baby bucket list is still going strong!!

Which reminds me – I’m definitely due a sushi dinner soon ;)