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Monday, October 11, 2010

pregnant by Christmas

 

That was my goal.

Or actually, my ultimate lofty goal was to be far enough along in my pregnancy to tell the family at Christmas.

Still is my goal - sorta.

These days, I’m not so sure as I was before, not sure at all really, that I can achieve this goal. I’m actually realizing more than ever, that this was my first and BIGGEST mistake.

I mean - I put a deadline on the frickin’ miracle of life, people. I’m pretty sure that made God chuckle.

How could I be so naive, so arrogant, to assume that I could control such a divine task?!

I can apply everything I’ve learned about maxing out our chances of conceiving but I can not ensure the miracle of creating a life.

This little revelation that I always knew but never really grasped is somewhat scary, and with further thought, extremely comforting.

The teeny tiny scary part of the revelation – I can do everything “perfectly” to conceive and never see those two lovely pink lines I find myself pining over these days.

The comfort: GOD is in control. He chooses His miracles, His way and in His time. I can think we may have missed the window, not see a positive on the ovulation predictors, forget to take my vitamins, and STILL, if the good Lord says it’s time - IT’S TIME! He will bless us with a miracle whenever, in His all knowing wisdom, he deems perfect.

Thank goodness that I’m not in control. I’d surely screw this one up!

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

I am now in my third “two week wait”. The two weeks between ovulation and knowing. It may only be the third month, but I can already see that with each additional month, the two weeks of waiting are the most mind boggling of days.

I am no longer in the time before ovulation when I can apply my science, check for signs, do the deed and satisfy all the voices in my head telling me to ‘do whatever it takes!’ to increase our chances. {No, there are no actual voices in my head, but yes, I am crazy.} Instead, I am in the time of helplessness. Nothing I can do, no real signs I can go by, just waiting wishing hoping that everything went according to plan and that my oven is currently occupied.

The questions that swim in my head during this time are innumerable. They are positive and negative. They are impossibly hopeful and optimistic and they are realistic with a dash a pessimism. They trump all other more important thoughts of the day and they sneak themselves in when I’m doing my best to just “let it be and we’ll see”.

Exactly which day did ovulation happen on?’

‘How many days past ovulation am I?’

‘Are my temperatures staying high?’

‘If we get pregnant this month, what will the due date be?’

‘When would I be 12 weeks and able to tell our families?’

‘Do my breasts seem more tender?’

‘Is my sense of smell stronger than usual?’

‘Is that a cramp preparing for baby or a cramp telling me Aunt Flo’s comin’ to town?’ 

‘Is it too early to test?’

If I’m not pregnant, what day next month does it look like I’ll be ovulating again?’

What can I do better next time?’

How will I tell husby if it’s positive?’

How will we tell the family in 12 weeks – does it coincide with any family get-togethers?’

‘The sooner we know, the sooner we can start preparing…"’

Then, after crossing my eyes and staring at the same pee drenched stick for the 32nd time… ‘That may just be a second line… I’ll just keep testing everyday till it looks a little bit darker…”

 

And that, my friends, is how I am only on the third month of trying, but have already taken about a hundred pregnancy tests ;) Yay for internet cheapies!

My goal for this two week wait is to actually try not to test until I’m *what I think* is 14 days past ovulation. {That would be October 22nd for anyone keeping track!} Judging by previous cycles, that should be plenty enough time to let Aunt Flo rear her ugly head and make my temps drop, in which case I wouldn’t need to test, or to *hopefully* get that good old HCG flowing through the blood stream for that big fat positive.

Though, I must say, I have a strong feeling day 10 will come and I’ll find myself unable to resist the “fun” of peeing in a plastic cup.

Let’s go will power!!

18 comments:

  1. I absolutely wish you the best. As some one who doesn't believe in God (no disrespect to your faith, just a statement of truth), I feel that one can also respect and trust in nature. There's something to be said for not knowing just what is happening. To going through a month following your rhythms. Especially if you are young. If you're over 30, of course, it's a different situation. But if you're 26, or 27, or 28, for example, you have time.

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  2. I hope that you get to experience being pregnant soon! I am sure you will be a great mother as well!

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  3. This is such a great post. You have no idea (or maybe you do) just how many (maybe millions?!) women are going through the same thing you are right now. I definitely went through all that when we were trying for our sweet baby. We tried for 7 months before getting a positive! To many, that 7 months is nothing...and now that I look back...I feel lucky to not have had to go a year or more like many. I definitely believe that you should just sit back and trust in God... do all the things that you can do to help the process (everything that you are already doing)... and wait for God to be God. :) I, like you, could never wait the 14 dpo...but always started on day 9 or 10...and continued until AF started. Ah! It really does control your life when you are ready for a baby! I will say a prayer for you, but am so happy to see your positive outlook on the whole situation! Thanks for sharing it with us...can't wait to find out who you are. Oh and no matter when you "plan" on telling your family, it may come out sooner than you hope. I was so sick with morning sickness, many already had me figured out...so everyone knew before 7 weeks! Okay...done now...sorry for the novel, but I'm rooting for ya! :)

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  4. Hang in there!!! I'll be praying for you on Oct. 22nd, I promise to remember, it's my half-birthday, so maybe all that half-birthday-ness praying will hold some weight with trying to get another special birthday in the world!

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  5. I can totally relate. Now, I just go with the flow. After trying since January, you just learn to. Praying for you. Try not to think about it, as hard as it sounds. The longer it goes, the easier it gets, but I hope you don't have to find out that way.

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  6. I can't even tell you how much that list of questions ring true for me, too!

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  7. I'm praying for you! We're not even trying yet, but if I even miss one pill (which I know is not going to make a difference 99% of the time), I start to wonder and get excited about the possibility. Part of me is always a little disappointed when it becomes clear that it didn't happen this month, even when we're actively preventing! I can't imagine how anxious and impatient I'll be when we're actually trying. I'm enjoying your post; keep it up!

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  8. hang in there I can relate to all that you're feeling it will happen for you. But yeah I learned early on you can't possibly put a deadline on something like this. Hoping to hear happy news on the 22nd :)

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  9. I think it's only normal to have a "target date" in mind. You just can't beat yourself up if you don't get there by then. I realize this is almost impossible, but try not to think about it. Stress doesn't help! Just keep trying and know that it will all be worth it in the end (:

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  10. It's hard just to trust in God when it comes to TTC, but in reality, that's the only thing you can do. I think we all have our "what ifs" and "ideal situations," but it's not up to us when all of this happens. Good luck to you, and try to stay away from those internet cheapies! (I know, easier said than done!)

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  11. I am right there with you, as around October 22nd will be around the date I need to take a test as well and it is SOOOOOOO hard to wait (and not do anything!!!) Hang in there....we can do it! ( :

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  12. Wow, this routine sounds incredibly familiar. :) My fingers and toes are crossed for you! Chistmas announcement is still possible! But if not, next month cannot get here soon enough!

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  13. LOL this post sounds just like me!! Those steps are the same thing I go through every month! I am actually on my 20th month of trying! LOL the only thing I can do besides cry when I start AF is laugh. It sucks...it sucks really bad...but deep down I know there is a reason for everything. The first time I got pregnant it happened the 3rd month. We actually had an IUI this month and I am supposed to start the 21st. Maybe we can be pregnant blogger friends in a week and a half!! :)

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  14. I hope you are pregnant this month! Just curious, have you used FertilityFriend.com for your charting? It's a great site!

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  15. I hope you have a fabulous announcement for Christmas, that would be so fun!! I truly doubt you are the only one that has a "Target Date" in mind! But you are right---God is in control. So, hopefully that is God's plan :)

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  16. Hehehe! Too cute! I love all of your "statements". I thought the exact same things when trying. It's funny to look back and see how silly we are. But its just too fun to not ask those questions. Heck... at least you can pass time with all of the research you have to do to answer them. Looking up the Due date, checking the calendar for 12 weeks out... etc. Its all worth it when you see the 2 lines. Your heart flutters and it's nothing as you imagined.

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  17. It's amazing how much you and I think alike, and we don't even know each other (at least I don't think we do IRL.....) :) Those last two weeks are sooo hard. I've definitely had all of those same thoughts going through my head before!

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  18. I just found your blog & it is GREAT! Love the idea of this...so fun. I am now following along. When we were first trying for kids, I totally put a time line on it. I am a teacher, so I had specific months that I wanted to be due. Silly, silly me. God had other plans! But, I am happy with how it all worked out! I love this post, I felt like I could have written this 5 years ago!

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