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Thursday, November 18, 2010

not the day I expected

 

I don’t know why I thought this month was different.

It somehow felt different. I had an extra special feeling that I would get my positive pregnancy test yesterday, so when I got a negative, I optimistically thought it was just too early.

Not that there were any pregnancy symptoms, but there weren’t any dreaded red symptoms either.

I had reason to stay optimistic - my temperatures were still up yesterday morning.

Keeping the still high temps in mind, when I saw the dreaded red later that day, I was of course, shocked. There was no warning, no signs at all, just the disgust of seeing red.

 

 

Though there was a little disappointment, I still felt hope that it could be implantation bleeding. OR when discussing it with my husband what he suggested, with his complete lack of knowledge on the topic, might be “prenatal bleeding”. A term he coined from thin air.

When the man isn’t driving me crazy, he’s cracking me up♥

 

 

A few hours later I saw even more red in the stall at work and knew it was just too much for implantation. I actually had to break down and use a tampon - THE HORROR!!

I walked back from the bathroom completely numb.

Then the first random stranger I heard speak after my horrific trip to the bathroom was a 19 year old girl saying she had “went to the doctor and got tested today”…

I listened in a little closer thinking I was going to hear something juicy and disgusting to take my mind off of things like “gonorrhea” or “herpes”… something to make me glad that at least I wasn’t in her shoes. Something really bad to make me say, I might not be pregnant but I also don’t have _______.

Instead, her next words were “Yeah, I’m pregnant” in a pitiful, disappointed but still nonchalant kind of a way.

So much for wishing an STD on a poor, unsuspecting young girl. {I promise I’m not evil…}

 

I felt the wind knocked out of me. It was a kick to the gut when I was already down for the count. I could see myself, in all my dramatic glory, hitting my knees, face up to God, screaming “WHY HER, GOD?! WHY NOT ME?”

{Of course, I didn’t. But if there is ever a movie made about my absolutely fascinating life story one day, Jennifer Aniston will be acting out this exact scene in the way I imagined it, not as it actually happened =)}

Though, I didn’t hit my knees and scream out to God, I did immediately begin praying a prayer I had never felt the urge to pray before and which I felt come from somewhere hidden in the depths of my heart. What I prayed shocked me.

I prayed to God to give me one of these everyday “unwanted pregnancies”. To let one of these young girls go free today, to let one of these poor babies be loved and wanted and taken extra good care of, to simply decide that today, he would put a child into my womb instead of one of the 1000 girls that will bawl uncontrollably out of fear from a positive pregnancy test today. To let me jump for joy when that second line appeared and to let them pray a silent ‘Thank you, God’ when it didn’t for them.

I prayed to reverse the roles and make two very lucky girls happy today.

That is still my prayer.

 

***Disclaimer: I KNOW that not all “unplanned pregnancies” equate to “unwanted pregnancies”. A child is a blessing no matter the situation. I have many friends and family who fall into this category and who are gloriously happy and who’s children are too. I know that even the youngest, single mother can and will be a better mother than I will ever be. I also know that a few will not, will never come to terms with being a parent and will neglect that child from conception to adulthood. That is the situation I prayed about, not the previously mentioned. I honestly do not wish to offend anyone and your open understanding is appreciated!

 

 

So like I said, I was completely blindsided.

It was the fourth month of trying and I just knew it was THE month for so many logical absurd reasons.

  • Absurd reason #1 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: I LOVE the number ♥4♥ For real, love it. It’s always hanging around any of my lucky days in some way. So of course, the fourth month would seal the deal, right?
  • Absurd reason #2 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: I would be 9 weeks along by Christmas, which would be a few weeks earlier than I planned to tell family, but which I deemed okay, just for Christmas time, just because it would be the most magical and joyful time of the year to tell everyone. BAH-HUMBUG!
  • Absurd reason #3 I was supposed to fall pregnant this month: if a normal healthy couple has a 25% chance of conceiving each given month, than we had already used up the negative 75% chance in the first 3 months of trying, so this was the month to fall in the good 25% chance. I like my math, mother nature doesn’t.

Now YOU can see and TOTALLY AGREE with my absurd logical reasons why this should have been the month. ;)

At this point in the baby making game, I still have a great bounce back. As well as I can list all the negatives of why thisshouldhavebeenthemonth!!?!!?!, I also do well with listing the reasons why having another month under our belts until that positive test will do a world of good.

They mostly have to do with money – paying off loans, saving more, fixing up our love nest to the best it can be before adding baby birds to it, feeling more financially stable, as well as spoiling ourselves with gifts and trips that I’m sure we would shoot down in a heartbeat once a baby bird comes along.

There’s also the maturity factor. The strong couple factor. Forming a solid bond with the Lord factor. All those little things that will make us better parents the more time we have to work on them.

And I think we’re doing well with this “gift of extra time before child” we’ve been given.

While seeing this time “as a gift” is difficult, I know it’s true. I keep looking back and seeing what we have accomplished in each month we weren’t expecting, and it makes me happy that we are doing so well with God’s plan. It does all make sense. We are still young, we still have goals and aspirations that will fair better without a child for now, and I will rejoice for what I have been given – while still holding on to hope that the next month will be THE month.

Besides, finding out there’s a little Christmas miracle on the way in December will be an extra special scene in the movie of my life. Someone tell Jennifer Anniston to get ready…

=)

17 comments:

  1. Awww I'm sorry this wasn't "the" month. I'm rooting for you and pray that next month IS the month for you! It would truly be a special Christmas gift for you and the hubby! You are in my thoughts and know you are not alone in this process :)

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  2. I'm glad you added the disclaimer. It was a little offensive as I was reading it. I got pregnant when I was 18, and while I did cry those first tears out of fear I would not change a thing! Everything happens for a reason. Things will happen for you when the time is right. I believe God has a plan. Hang in there!

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  3. I love the positive ending to this post...how about *Meri* if it's a girl??!! :) A December *Meri*....I pray it is YOUR turn!

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  4. We had a tough time getting pregnant with out first son and I remember feeling all the feelings you described. It doesn't make it any easier while you're going through it, but knowing that if I had gotten pregnant ANY other month I wouldn't have the exact child I have is enough to know the wait was worth it. Our second son was not planned and I often questioned whether it was good timing, but I feel the same about him. The Lord knows the children I need, and he knows the timing they should come in (that's not an anti-BC statement though!), and He knows the same for you. Hang in there!

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  5. i have definitely felt all those same things as you. it's NOT fair but it's God's plan and His timing is perfect. it's so hard to hear people talk about their pregnancies like they hate them and are so sad to be pregnant when you want NOTHING more than to be in those shoes!

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  6. I've prayed that same prayer time and time again. We've now been trying for 11 months. And it's like, "when is it my turn?" I'll keep praying for you. It will happen. We just have to be patient and keep praying.

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  7. I think I found your blog because God wanted me too! Ironically we quit taking the pill the same day and I had these exact feelings last night as I was watching '16 & Pregnant'....seriously, people fart and they are pregnant and don't want to be/mean to be. I don't understand. I have had LONG cycles (at least yours are regular and you are for sure O'ing) I've only seen red ONCE since July. I'm calling the doctor next week to start my 2nd time of Provera. You are great for having this blog, I don't want to blog about it now b/c people will know me....and I don't want the questions! Thanks for doing this!

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  8. I understand your post completely, I had a chemical in August and it was so heartbreaking hearing everyone around me was getting pregnant. I even had a sister in law that gave her husband the ultimatum of either they get divorced or get pregnant, get pregnant. I didn't understand it at first, but it will be our time soon. It will be yours, mine and every other woman out there wanting to be a mama. God has a plan, maybe he is saving the strongest and best for us :)

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  9. Thank you for that post. I feel the same way. My husband and I have been trying for 2 years now. I went to the doctor today for a test and instead of telling me it was negative they just handed me the paper. It was especially heart breaking have to see that negative circled on the paper.

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  10. My hubby and I have been "trying" since July and still nothing. We have been off the pill since March. But I went on a retreat this past weekend for ladies and I feel like God gave this calmness that He will bless me on his time not mine! I have had a VERY HARD time with this because I wanted to be pregnant with my BFF or at least our children be close in age....that was the plan anyway.He son will be one in January and we are still trying. It left me heart broken especially when another friend got pregnant shortly after my BFF and I felt left out so to say. But God healed that hole and told me to get over my time and trust in His perfect plan! So as we continue on this journey of conceiveing, I am letting go and letting God. After all He is the creator!!! Good luck!

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  11. Don't worry, God has a plan and even though we don't understand it, trust in Him! Keep trying! I'm pulling for you girl!

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  12. I am so sorry red came and no two lines! God has a plan and I know that one day you will make a terrific momma! You are still in my thoughts!

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  13. It stinks having months of negative tests (I remember) And the dreaded red mark as well! My thoughts and prayers are with you. And I remember having basically the same "talk" with God, saying I know there is a little one someone else does not want or is not ready for...give that one to us!! :) he finally did! Yours is coming!

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  14. the more I understand the science of just how difficult it is to get pregnant, the less I understand the number of accidental pregnancies, when there are so many of us cannot plan the same thing under ideal conditions. (like you, I don't mean that to be determential to anyone who had a very happy surprise, just that it's hard to comprehend). regardless, I will be praying that this coming month is IT for you and your husband.

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  15. Thank you for visiting my blog and I'm sorry that AF showed up. I'm hoping she doesn't show up for us, but I'll find out soon enough.

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  16. What a sweet little prayer. I feel for you because I want a baby too. (not even dating anyone!!) I'll be praying for you as well.
    Good luck. I love hearing about you.

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